Latest posts by Pete Puma (Posts)
- Brooklyn Bar Holds Contest For Smallest Wiener - May 20, 2013
- Pallas and the Centaur – Sandro Botticelli - May 17, 2013
- Australian Politician Sorry For ‘Liking’ Teenage Scrotum - May 17, 2013
Oh, lovely goldfish…your lives are so simple; just water, glass, flaky bits of food, and odd women with dutch-boy haircuts staring at you plaintively.
I’ve recently been wondering what it would be like to be a fish, and not just to smell like one between the legs. No deadlines, no grocery shopping, no touching during sex.
Do you enjoy the pine cones I’ve left outside your tank? They must really make the time fly by. Trees don’t touch for sex either, you know, but they do have to worry about being made into tables and such, so it’s not all wine and roses for them, you know, not that they’d really appreciate wine and roses. Wow, a glass or two of wine would be pretty nice right now, actually.
Stop looking at me like that, guys. An occasional glass or two of Chardonnay does not make me an alcoholic. I don’t need a couple of scaly little imbeciles judging me. You’re just like François, you know that? Judgmental little cretins, you are. Next thing I know, you’ll be telling me I’m a frigid dyke, that my cooking sucks, that I’m terrible at blowies, that I have breasts that look like poorly-cooked crèpes.
You know what goes with a nice glass of Chardonnay? Fish! That’s right! Fried fish! We’re going to see how François likes his beloved little pets for dinner. Screw you, guys. You brought this upon yourselves!