Most of you probably don’t know this, but I spend the majority of my very valuable time trying to figure out how to get gay dudes to like vaginas. Now that you know this, you’ll likely understand how sheepish I feel about the fact that the answer was right under my proverbial nose this whole time.
You might ask yourself, “Why, oh why, would someone as talented and awesome as Pete Puma spend so much of his time trying to figure out how to convert gay men into normal men?” The answer is simple, people. Gay men make a complete farce of the sanctity of the romantic relationship Our Lord was gracious enough to bestow upon us.
They also insult God at the most fundamental levels by using their Almighty-given reproductive organs inside the orifices of people who lack the ability to create a human life.
I also happen to know that gay men are sinners and that they will surely burn eternally in hell unless they repent and become vagina-lovers prior to their ultimate meeting with Our Creator. We’re saving souls here, people.
As soon as I figure out how any of this homosexual activity affects me personally, I will have everything I need to write my new book How Gay People Are Destroying the Quality of Life of Straight People Who Probably Don’t Even Know A Single Uncloseted Gay Person.
Raymond Bell of The Cowboy Church of Virginia told Gay Star News recently that Equine Assisted Psychotherapy (EAP) is the answer for which we’ve been searching so diligently. When I first read this, I assumed that he was encouraging gay men to stroke the penises of well-endowed horses, hoping that they’d be scared enough of the sheer length and girth of the equine penis that the resulting fear would be commuted to all penises.
Boy, was I wrong. As it turns out, the mere act of petting a horse’s body has the potential to purge the devil we all know as homosexuality (shudder), Brokeback Mountain not withstanding. And who are we to doubt a man who heads up a religious establishment known as The Cowboy Church of Virginia?
You see, as Mr. Bell informs us, homosexuality is not genetic, but an addiction…an “addiction to cock,” if you will. He claims it is not ‘curable’ as a disease because it is a ‘choice driven’ by the person.
The addiction is a result of some life-altering experience that threw a monkey wrench into the whole “penis goes in the vagina” wiring that we non-sinners have in our superior brains. These life-altering experiences can be anything from rape, to abandonment, to lacking a male role model, to abuse, or even simply having low self-esteem.
Who knew that realizing you’re a dick could result in wanting one inside your bum?
The magical act of petting horses encourages these turd-burglars to be “more masculine,” and hence not gay, I guess. I’m sure it’s more complex and scientific than I’m making it out to be. Oh, wait, no I’m not. I’m not sure at all.
Well, anyway, if you’re a parent who suspects your son is gay, I’d advise you to run out to the store right away and buy as many “My Pretty Pony” toys you can get your hands on. Nip this stuff in the bud, people. You’ll be glad you did.