Latest posts by Pete Puma (Posts)
- Brooklyn Bar Holds Contest For Smallest Wiener - May 20, 2013
- Pallas and the Centaur – Sandro Botticelli - May 17, 2013
- Australian Politician Sorry For ‘Liking’ Teenage Scrotum - May 17, 2013
As I’ve always said, if you want your genitals to look like those of a 10 year old, you’re going to pay the price. Well, I haven’t always said that, but it’s a fun thing for people to overhear at a cocktail party nonetheless.
Long gone are the days when a boy would open his father’s Club magazine only to have to squint at the models’ pubic regions to catch a glimpse of pink. No, no, now all the models are offering a hair-free sight line into their uteruses, instantly making every horny teenage boy an amateur gynecologist.
Life has gotten so good that we are now able to use a Pantone color palette to discuss, at length, the relationship between the color of a lady’s facial lips and her vaginal ones. To make matters even more interesting, we know with absolute certainty what a prepubescent girl with breasts looks like and I’ve no doubt we’re all much better for it, right? Right?
Over the past decade, the number of emergency room visits precipitated by pubic hair “grooming” has risen 500%. Now, with those figures, we’re left to ponder whether genital owners are getting increasingly clumsy, or if more people are ridding themselves of the tremendous burden of pubic hair. In order to answer this question, I suppose we’d have to know what percentage of people were shaving their sexy bits ten years ago versus how many are doing it today.
Of course, we could do a little informal poll in the comments section where you let us know if:
1. I didn’t shave my bush 10 years ago, but I do now.
2. I shaved it 10 years ago, but I don’t now.
3. I shaved it 10 years ago and I’m still doing it.
4. I have alopecia.
56% of 2010′s 11,704 emergency-room-worthy genital slicing injuries were made by women. So, I guess that means that 44% of them were dudes…and that astounds me, being one who has never entertained the notion of mowing his junk, or anyone else’s come to think of it. I guess that probably cuts down significantly on the chances that I will be tea-bagged, but I’m strangely okay with that.
The age of the average patient was 30.8 years old, so you can probably stop assembling the mental image your grandmother’s, or grandfather’s, shaven bits now.
83% of the injuries were doled out by non-electric shaving razors. I’m going to go ahead and assume that 17% were caused by scythes because that’s what I want to believe.
As far as I’m concerned, I can’t imagine even attempting to shave my wrinkly old ball sac. In fact, I’ll likely have a nightmare about that tonight, thank you very little.
I am now going to take this opportunity to come out as a male who is not turned on by hairless vaginas, and as one who believes shaving his own junk would be a completely emasculating thing to do. That said, I’m certainly not averse to a little bikini-line action for the ladies. After all, I have no fantasies about jamming my schween into Fidel Castro’s face.
I may be totally wrong about all of this. Perhaps all this hair removal is not an aesthetic thing at all, but people are simply harvesting organically grown pillow stuffing.
Sweet dreams, my lovelies.