Generally, I prefer my penis to be the injector, as opposed to the injectee. Perhaps this stems from the time I was entertaining the prospect of pumping my own member full of grape jelly for no apparent reason.
Truthfully, I only rejected the procedure when I discovered that the hypodermic needle out-sized my dong in both length and girth. Well, that and the fact that the homeless guy who was performing the operation was suffering from delirium tremens at the time.
News from Thailand seems to indicate that my decision, unlike most, was sound. The image-conscious Thai people seem to be going to great, possibly fatal, extremes that make their American counterparts seem like real sissies.
On the safer end of the beautification spectrum is Khunyingtobnom, a 46-year-old woman whose name translates to “Madam Breast-Slapper.” That’s not a joke, and also not her parent-given name. She professes that her time-tested technique of slapping boobies will increase breast size by at least one bra size.
There appears to be some science backing Khunyingtobnom’s claims, since German soldiers are apparently growing breasts as a direct result of their chest-slapping gun drills.
“This is the beauty by nature,” she says, “one million percent guaranteed.” I can only hope that the venerable Madam will invest some of her income in a class on basic mathematics. That income, incidentally, is 600 USD per two 15-minute sessions; one for each tit. She slaps roughly 40 udders per day and is likely stinking rich, albeit not mathematically inclined.
And apparently, if you want your face to also increase by a bra size, you can purchase a 1,000 USD face-slapping session; a service I provide free of charge to anyone who asks nicely.
On the exact opposite end of the danger scale, Thai men are reportedly injecting olive oil, beeswax, silicone, and paraffin into their genitals in a bid to increase the size of their wee-wees. Rapeseed oil would seem to be a more appropriate choice in my not-so-humble opinion.
You’re probably wondering what could possibly go wrong after pumping your junk full of foreign substances. Skin lesions and serious infections are two of them, according to Surat Kittisupaporn, a doctor at Police General Hospital, a facility that sees roughly 300 patients per month due to botched penile injections. On an unrelated note, I’m understandably jealous of any dude whose last name ends in “porn.”
“The body reacts to the foreign substances. When there is chronic irritation or infection, it’ll be very hard to cure … it’ll be hard to even walk or take a shower,” he said. Surgery is often inevitable, and often catastrophic. In fact, the good doctor, just last year, needed to completely remove a 50-year-old man’s genitals after his repeated injections of olive oil left him with no other option… ironic in a funny kind of way that the “treatment” one uses to increase his dick size ends up requiring its complete removal.
There is also apparently a long-held Thai belief that lighter-skinned people are of a higher class than darker skinned ones. This belief also seems to extend to female genitals, judging purely by the fact that vaginal bleaching soaps are such hot sellers in Thailand.
All this has my head spinning, frankly. It also has me more seriously considering my idea for an on-line dating service that matches couples based solely upon the size of their genitals. If anyone has a good metric for measuring vagina-size, I’m all ears, because as of this writing, I’m leaning toward “number of dwarf fingers.”