“Stop eating your grapes like that, kid. You look like you’re tea-bagging some dude’s ball-sac.”
According Guinness’s official ruling, 114-year-old Misao Okawa is now the oldest woman in the world…and possibly the ugliest…and maybe the rudest. As is evidenced by the above photo, she was not even gracious enough to muster a smile for the picture above. Seriously…I mean, is she actually sticking her tongue out?
She does appear to be winking though, so maybe she’s merely being coy.
Regardless, if I were Guinness, I would revoke the certificate on the basis of Okawa’s completely ungrateful attitude. In fact, I would replace the award with a “World’s Beastliest-Looking Human” one. It’s somewhat surprising to me that no one has killed her for the atrocity that is her face, quite frankly.
On a different note, reports have been circulating that Okawa has a spectacularly perky, beautiful set of knockers. In fact, she’s holding them in the picture above.
As most of you are probably aware, a meteor exploded over Russia on February 15th. Over a thousand criminals, scammers, whores, and miscreants…I mean “Russians”…were injured. Most of the injuries were minor cuts and concussions and the like; not enough damage to significantly alter the world’s collective moral compass in the direction of honesty.
A recent poll of Russian citizens indicated that 50% of the population doesn’t believe the incident was a meteor at all. A full half of Russians believe the explosion was something much more sinister; such as a message from God, a crashing alien space ship, or a missile carrying a deadly virus intended to wipe out the current inhabitants of Earth.
Considering the fact that the Russian population is a collection of cretinous thieves and habitual liars, 50% is a pretty favorable number, I think. In fact, one man estimated that at least 2,000 wallets were stolen just while the poll was being taken. I made that last bit up.
I have to say that if the explosion was a message from God, he’s a miserable communicator. He could have been saying anything from “your fireworks shows are weak” to “watch me scare the piss out of some criminals.” If that’s as clear as “our creator” can be, he can suck my ass, frankly.
It could have been an alien spacecraft, of course. Most of us probably feel like if we are ever visited by aliens, their main objective will be to annihilate us and take over. Joke’s on them, however. We’ve effed this place up pretty good.
It’s really no wonder that we assume the worst intentions of visiting extra-terrestrials though. I mean, killing everything in our path is what comes naturally to us, and it’s sure-as-shit going to be what we do if we ever wind up making it to another inhabitable planet. That goes double for Russians. It just makes sense that we would project our own thinking onto the aliens in question.
Personally, I’m an optimist (in case you hadn’t already guessed). I’m hopeful that any arriving extra-terrestrials will be anatomically identical to a human vagina. Requiring only semen to survive, they will attach themselves to the penises of human males in a blissful symbiotic relationship. This will, of course, obviate the need for those pesky gashes we call women and effectively cease human reproduction altogether. After 100 years or so, the Earth will be human-free and 100% available to the alien vaginas who will likely have to sustain themselves on elephant jizz for the rest of their stay on Earth.
Then again, maybe all these spaceships we’ve been seeing are humans from the future. Right? I mean, if the human race ever, at any point in the future, is destined to discover the secrets of time travel, you can bet we’ve been the subject of class trips by sniveling little future-brats about a bazillion times already…and they’re probably not stupid enough to kill us off.
32-year-old Robert Smith is known in downtown Portland, Maine as “The Whistler.” It’s not because he’s good at it, nor that his mother is the subject of a very famous painting, because neither is true He is, however, loud and annoying, as is evidenced by the video below.
After making one of his daily ambulatory rounds of Portland about a year ago, singing as he walked, he tried his hand at whistling, apparently, and immediately transformed himself from “annoying singer” to “annoying whistler.”
“It came from God — that’s where it came from,” he said of his passion for whistling. “God is showing me what I’m doing is OK. He shows me every day with laughter.” …further evidence that God is a huge douche.
Not everyone is amused, since Portland seems to have a strong contingent of people who do not appreciate loud, tuneless, poorly-executed whistling. In fact, over the past year, Smith has been issued summonses, arrested, and been taken to court for what many view as a disturbance of the peace. It is reported that his monotone utterances can be heard a full block away.
Smith claims to work in construction during the summer. When he is not employed, he seems content to wander the streets of Portland whistling free of charge, wearing headphones, a backpack, and a Yankees cap. …further evidence that Yankee fans are huge douches.
He claims that his goal is to “spread joy.” “I’m not out here to be the best whistler in the world,” he said. “I’m just trying to make people smile.” While some do smile bemusedly, others scowl, mutter rude comments, threaten bodily assault, and probably wish for Smith’s painful, protracted death.
Though Smith does not seem to have an online presence himself, he does tend to make proxy appearances on Internet blogs in the form of commentary such as this:
“He acts like he’s treating all of us to his amazing whistling show and that we should all be so lucky to hear him and his magical ability, but I don’t feel lucky,” wrote one blogger in a 2011 post to Thought Catalog. “I feel deep anger and hatred, because his whistling upsets my dog and every dog in the neighborhood.”
According to the July 3 arrest affidavit, Smith was whistling loudly enough to disturb businesses and people in the area. After being warned to keep the noise down, Smith allegedly started singing louder, “intentionally to annoy bystanders.” Spreading joy, indeed.
In addition to that arrest, Smith has previous convictions for misdemeanors including theft, assault, and harassment by telephone. Methinks I smell a mentally unstable asshat.
An August ruling by a judge indicated that, in exchange for a guilty plea on disorderly conduct charges, Smith would be permitted to continue his irritating behaviors if he kept walking as he did it. The idea was to prevent anyone’s prolonged exposure to the tuneless racket he produces.
Not everyone views Smith as a strong candidate for murder, however. Dr. Lisa Belisle, an East Bayside physician, offered this half-hearted endorsement in a blog post:
“Though I find him as annoying as many others do, I find him equally and strangely compelling. He is, in his own way, a placeholder. He prompts me to remember that not all hear the same music I hear; or respond the same way.”
Smith insists that he does not whistle annoyingly for fame.
“I’m doing it because of the reward it gives me,” Smith said. “My goal is if someday I can walk down the streets of Portland and I can see 20 or 30 people whistling along, doing the same thing I’m doing, well then I will be a happy camper. I’ll know I did something right.”
If that happens, Mr. Smith, Portland may well become the single most annoying city on the face of our troubled planet.