“One step closer, you perv, and I’ll twist your testicles off and choke you to death with them.”
A prostitute named MaNdlo collapsed and apparently died while having sex in a hotel in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe last week. No one knew the exact cause, so I’d imagine “death by dick” was to be the official explanation. However, based on my own personal experience, I wouldn’t rule out “embarrassment.”
Police placed her cold body in a steel coffin and were in the process of removing it from the hotel when she suddenly stirred and went completely bonkers, yelling, “You want to kill me, you want to kill me.”
A number of morbid bastards who had gathered to witness the body’s removal were stunned by the resurrection and ran off in all directions, some tripping over each other in a panic.
“It was like a movie. People were running away in different directions. It was a scary incident because we were all convinced that she had died because she was just cold. Miracles surely do happen,” one witness said.
Ahhh, yes…miracles…a hooker goes lifeless while getting a dong jammed up her vag and wakes a little while later after somebody puts her in a steel box because nobody cared quite enough to check that she was actually dead. God is super-great.
After MaNdlo had regained her composure, the cops left with the empty coffin. Her unidentified customer was able to sneak away because, you know, strong investigative police work. What are the chances he had anything to do with her sudden unconsciousness? Probably not even 100%.
Nobody knows much about MaNdlo, as she was a relatively new arrival on the scene, but they’re hoping she’ll be back for many more near-death experiences in the future.
What’s worse than having a penis that’s 5 centimeters? Being impotent and having your wife divorce you because of it, I suppose; effectively informing the world that your ding-dong doesn’t quite crack the 2-inch mark that officially defines Asian men as “relatively well-hung.”
Zhang, a 52-year-old Taiwanese woman is moving forward with divorce proceedings, claiming that her 55-year-old husband of four years, Zhou, possesses a doo-dad too small and limp to consummate with even an anatomically-correct Barbie doll.
“His penis is so small, like a kid’s, only 5cm long. We’ve never had sex in our entire marriage,” she said. Kudos to Zhang for referencing kid-penises. That’s always a winner in court.
Zhang claims she wanted to take Zhou for a test-drive before their blessed wedding day, but that he cited religious convictions that made that an impossibility. When they finally got down to business on the night of their wedding, Zhang says, “He’s also impotent and unable to fulfill his responsibility as a husband. We quarreled the whole night and I asked him to seek treatment.”
Personally, I always insist on intercourse within an hour of identifying my target, just to confirm that I’m not signing my soldier up for a series of spelunking expeditions. Referring to my lust interests as “targets” usually guarantees a very short romance, however, and sometimes a restraining order.
Zhou has a very good explanation for his inability to perform though. “I prefer to have sex in the morning but she wanted it around midnight, by then I would be very tired,” he said. The early-bird catches the worm, indeed.
Zhang maintains that she had a pre-marital agreement with her husband that they would play “hide the Vienna sausage” three times per week. Zhou says he would never have agreed to that since his urges are few and far between.
“Sex is not the only foundation for marriage after all,” he said. I’m inclined to agree with him, though I’m hard-pressed to come up with another candidate.
According to Reuter’s, Anishi Spencer is suing a McDonald’s in Chicago after her 2-year-old son decided to pick a used condom up off the play area floor, and yes, you guessed it, eat it.
Is it possible that McDonald’s is finding inventive ways to test market a new “special sauce”?
Now, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I used to actually watch my son when he would play in a McDonald’s play area, so I would have known what was going on before he even attempted to pick a used rubber up off of the ground. Apparently this mother didn’t notice her son’s strange new food selection until after he coughed up a piece of the offending latex. I’m smelling a mother-of-the-year award here fo’ sho’.
Unfortunately, the boy is reportedly suffering lasting injuries and pain from eating the condom. Why he thought eating it might be a good idea is a mystery. I’m thinking he may be just finding out that he’s gay, and he was experimenting with the whole deal.
“This is a very disgusting case,” Jeffrey Deutschman, a lawyer for Spencer and her sons at Deutschman & Associates in Chicago, said in a phone interview. Gee, do you effing think? Deutschman wins an award also, for making the most obvious statement in lawyer history.
I feel the need to remind parents to watch their children carefully when they’re playing anywhere, especially at a McDonald’s play area where apparently, people play “hide the sausage” and leave their used condoms on the ground. This way we can avoid idiotic lawsuits like this one.