An open letter to grammar nazis, comma fuckers, or Pilkunnussija out there … You know who you are. We ALL know who you are. You lurk, ready & waiting, drooling with anticipation at the opportunity to spring into action at the incorrect use of ‘there’. Or when someone leaves an ‘o’ off of ‘too’. You see it as your responsibility to save the world from an improperly used ‘hear’. I understand your frustration … spelling rules were not made to be broken. (xcept some ‘ei’ thing when a ‘c’ is involved, but I’m not going to use that sort of language here). But here’s the thing …
And I’ll tell you why.
Congratulations on knowing the correct form of there/their/they’re to use. I stopped getting excited about that when I realized that my breasts could make boys do silly things for me. I’m so proud of you for knowing which here/hear goes where. As soon as my teacher stopped being impressed, I stopped showing off with it. I’m thrilled for you that you possess this great handle on third ( second?) grade spelling. The thing is, nobody you correct is sitting there thinking, “Thank god this random internet stranger has assisted me in furthering my knowledge! I’ll definitely make a note of this shit now so I don’t look like such a fool again.”
They’re thinking, “What a complete doucheface, too bad they don’t get any sex.”
Nobody cares. Nobody is impressed. Nobody thinks you’re a giant brain hiding behind your @DrWhoNerdgasm name. They think you’re a tool who has no useful social skills.
For years, back in the mid-90s, I ran around AOL (*pauses here until the riotous laughter eases up*) like some self-appointed grammar cop, mocking people for using “effect” when they meant “affect”. Then one glorious night, someone replied with, “I really appreciate your help with that. In my defense, I’m just really tired. I was up all night nailing your mom.” After making sure that, in fact, my father wasn’t on AOL, it struck me that perhaps my attempts to assist this Internet stranger in his education were not appreciated. That moment changed my life.
Let me be that person for you. Let this be the moment you stop acting like a twat. Really want to impress me? Know the proper time to use ‘who’ or ‘whom’. Panties off for anyone who says, “To whom were you speaking?” instead of “Who were you talking to?” Nobody’s knickers melt for the person who says, ‘HAHAHA YOU MEAN TOO NOT TO, YOU PLEBE.’ Want to really blow minds, and possibly cocks? Know when to use ‘Rebecca and/or me’ instead of ‘Rebecca and/or I’.
Trust me, we all care about grammar and spelling. Those of us who aren’t douchey don’t jump on people for mistakes, we just sit and quietly judge, basking in our superiority. Believe me, it’s a much richer way to live.
If you feel the need to comment on any of the mistakes in this, I’ll be sure to show your mother how smart you are after I’m done bangin her out.