The man you see above this text is 45-year-old Daemon Johnson, who was dismissed from his 25-year job as a police officer for merely living up to his name and posting a picture of his schween on his girlfriend’s Facebook wall.
Johnson, who claims to have intended to send the photo privately to his girlfriend, apparently hit the wrong button on his phone and inadvertently treated his lady’s entire “friend” list to a close-up view of his porksword.
“I made a mistake on my phone keypad and I have paid for that mistake with my career,” he said.
Dismissal for questionable online conduct is obviously not unique. In fact, earlier this year two Northamptonshire officers were dismissed for posting “inappropriate” messages to each other on Twitter. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure I’ve ever posted anything appropriate on Twitter.
Poor, poor Mr. Johnson though. We all get a little distracted while playing with our ding-dongs, and I’d imagine it would be easy to fat-finger a button in our Facebook apps as he seems to have done. So, here are a few of tips for would-be peen-pic-posters:
1. Never use the Internet to send your dick-pics. Carrier pigeons are the answer.
2. Try to find a midget to put her hands on it before you take the pic. It will provide a little “enhanced” perspective.
3. Don’t take your pic while fully flaccid, nor fully erect. A halfie is the correct state; larger than normal, but not giving away its maximum potential.
4. Learn Photoshop so you can edit out those herpes sores I’m sure you have.
5. Remember that many women are not quite as visually stimulated as dudes. They tend to like a little mystery. So, while you want a glass speculum’s view of just about everything the female body has to offer, your lady may appreciate a subtler approach. Try knitting a Batman costume for your little soldier.
I’m sure there are more, but if you’ve made it this far, your time must not be very valuable and, as a result, you are not worth my effort. Have a nice weekend.
I’ll be sure to keep you alerted if I happen to receive a response. Thanks to Annemarie Mason for contributing to the inquiry. You can visit her blog by clicking here.
If you happen to have a fecally-obsesssed German (redundant, I know) significant other, there’s not likely a better place for a weekend getaway than Belgium’s Hotel CasAnus. Why, you ask? Glad you did.
For the bargain price of $150 per night, you can stay inside this art installation closely modeled, by Dutch designer Joep Van Lieshout, after a human colon, anus and all. Unfortunately, it resembles one that has recently been well-flushed as it does not appear to have any poop lining the walls…but you can always attempt to fix that for a nominal clean-up fee.
CasAnus is owned and operated by art collectors Geert and Carla Verbeke-Lens, who wisely bought the piece to add to their 30-acre sculpture park in Flanders. Incidentally, Geert and Carla are among a very select group of people who can claim to share an anus.
The large intestine is equipped with a toilet…which allows you to be able to say you took a dump and/or urinated in someone’s colon.
It also has a shower…which allows you to say that you got all wet inside someone’s anus.
And it has a bed, of course, which allows the owners to claim that scores of people have had sex in their anus.
It also has windows, of all things, which just makes my colon a tad jealous.
It’s pretty much a win all the way around. Take a look at the video below taken by a man with a very feminine accent and see if you don’t suddenly have a yearning to jump into and out of it repeatedly; at first very slowly, then faster and faster, until you eventually spray a mouthful of heavy cream all over the walls.
Midnight in the barn.
Spades strike hoes
in the pitch.
Chinks in the anvil,
spy the dog hungrily.
Horses with wet backs,
whinny in response
to the nips of rabid coons.
Help Repress Pedophilic Tendencies
Paedonix is a prescription medicine that aids in the repression of pedophilic tendencies in men who are sexually attracted to pre-pubescent children.
By taking Paedonix just once, your gravitation toward under-age girls and boys will be replaced by a healthy distaste for their true annoying nature and general repulsiveness.
A penchant for stalking children for sexual gratification can be a stressful existence, fraught with ostracization, fears of discovery by other adults as well as law enforcement, and an attraction to children’s birthday parties. Pedophiles experience higher-than-normal rates of hypertension, paranoia, and being beaten to death in prison.
With Paedonix, you need not be entrapped by the dungeon of kiddie-love anymore. You will no longer feel compulsions to follow children into empty rooms, don clown makeup, nor make balloon animals. In fact, many patients tend to experience a deep attraction to pubic hair on others and a decreased desire for impromptu excursions to the Philippines.
Certain side-effects of Paedonix include painful injection site and violent convulsions followed by immediate, excruciating death, though less than 101% of patients experience these symptoms.
Ask your doctor if Paedonix may be right for you. We’re betting he’ll agree it is.
Dear Jim Bob Henry Joe Cletus,
I know you don’t like reading so good so I’ll tryin keep this short. I didn’t say nuthin when you drived my ATVee into the lake chasin’ after the bigfoot you say drank all your Pabst.
And I didn’t take to complainin’ when you glued all the pages of my Cat Fancy magazine together. That was glue, wuddin it?
I didn’t even hitch a fit when you tried to cook our hot dogs by lightin’ your farts at ‘em.
But, I swear, Jim Bob Henry Joe Cletus, you done drived me over the edge.
You’ll find me at the bottom of the well. You done said I poisoned it so I guess we’ll find out, won’t we?
[Note from FoW: Not technically a suicide note since Lurline was found only wet and cold at the bottom of the well. She recently followed me on Twitter, in fact. Click here to see.]
Help Relieve the Embarrassment of Odorless Flatulence
Assaffex is a prescription medicine that, when taken as directed, will imbue your flatulence with the deathly horror thought to only be achievable by a homeless man on a steady diet of Colt 45 and 3-day-old Wendy’s chili picked from a dumpster.
By taking Assaffex twice daily, your anal-breath will contain the acridity and staying power to clear an entire movie theater within three minutes, and asphyxiate all animals under ten pounds within a fifty-foot radius.
We’ve all been mortified by breaking wind and having no one even notice. These experiences have been linked in independent studies to severe depression, self-loathing, and feelings of incessant longing for death.
Perhaps you have tired of the presence of your in-laws at your house and passed gas without effectively sending them running for the doors, or maybe you’ve been present for an inappropriate diaper changing in a public place, only to be left with no means for revenge against the child’s parents. If you’ve ever experienced these types of bewildering events, Assaffex may be right for you.
Possible side-effects of Assaffex may include copious rectal bleeding, rainbow vomit, and moderate-to-severe nasal irritation. If you experience any of these symptoms, you should seek an immediate high-five from a long-time friend.
Ask your doctor if Assaffex may be right for you.