Aimee Arciuolo of Kings County Bar in Brooklyn, NY had a tiny stroke of genius this year, deciding to institute her bar’s first annual “Smallest Penis In Brooklyn” pageant.
Arciuolo birthed the idea as a result of a surprisingly satisfying encounter with a man who possessed a donglette the size of “an acorn.” That is why this contest is a celebration of nano-penises, and not a vehicle for the type of derision one might encounter in a high school locker room shower at the hands of ambiguously gay jocktards.
The contest will be held on July 20th at 5 PM. Participants will be required to, at the very least, show off their equipment through a pair of wet underwear which will be hydrated using an arsenal of water guns. They will also be asked to share experiences related to being minimally endowed.
Not everyone is on board with the idea. In fact, many of Arciuolo’s straight male friends and bar regulars believe it to be the single worst idea they’ve ever heard.
And just in case you have a third leg and wish to shame the other contestants, be aware that anyone with a member of eight inches or greater will be disqualified and forced to buy a round of drinks for the judges. This writer is slightly intimidated by the prospect of such a healthy requirement. Are we talking flaccid length here? And if not, who will be responsible for preparing the beast for measurement?
“We hope all kinds of men will apply—we have a few brave contestants already—this is obviously a pageant for confident people with a sense of humor!” says Arciuolo.
Kings County Bar is located at 286 Siegel Street, near the Morgan Avenue L-train stop, but you can probably just walk around looking for a disproportionate number of Hummers, Camaros and Mustangs parked on the street;